It’s kind of bizarre to have a trip/vacation that you shrug your shoulders about. I got back to work the other day after spending four days in North Carolina with most of my immediate family, and of course people ask questions. For some reason, we think in extremes, so when you say something wasn’t great (i.e., my vacation), it’s taken to mean the opposite. If things aren’t one thing, they must be the other. But maybe sometimes things aren’t wonderful, or terrible, they just are. Simple to understand, right? We all know that life rarely works in black and white, and yet we keep trying to categorize things and people too easily (to say nothing of the arrogance of assigning a subtext of one’s own creation to another person). We’re all entitled to our highs and lows, but as well, our in-betweens, neutrality, or indifference.
Maybe if I had brought a friend, or had a girlfriend. Other than the common bond of growing up together after all these years, I, Sam, feel quite different from my family. It’s natural to be different and not belong, but it sort of reminds me of being sent to a small, smart-kids private school, while everyone else went to public school. Other than being in the same house, my experiences alone since the age of 7 have been quite different. That, and everyone else is married and, come autumn, with children. I know I’ll have to make decisions when I become a parent, but domestication is, anathema being too strong a word, not a desire of mine. I realize the responsibilities of a family, but now, for obvious reasons, I don’t want those any time soon. We’re just very different. It’s not a judgment, but an observation.
Fact is, it’s not really that anyway. It’s hard to enjoy things when you’re thinking about other things. Issues like “where should I go to school?” or “where will I live?” or “what will I do for money?” or “how sad is it that I don’t have anything planned for my 30th birthday?” or “I wish I had someone to love, or at least, inspire me” are a bit distracting. There was fun, and a few laughs, and chatting, and it’s always great to see the kids, but this is really what I meant by the previous paragraph. It’s not anyone’s fault, since they don’t have to worry about those issues anymore. But, that’s why I called my friend Sarah back home at 1am one night— someone to at least share my troubles with, who can empathize, who shares or has known similar quandaries in their own life. That, and I missed her. I don’t know if anyone has ever said this, but I don’t think it was the right time for me to have a vacation. I need to act, to confront, not to abscond (I know my diction here is improper, I just wanted to say that word).
All these vast explanations to say merely that my mind, thoughts, and heart were elsewhere.