Sammy the Seal

Brace yourself…

In words, words, words on Saturday, 24 May, 2008 at 3:43

Hmm, maybe it’s a good thing that I’m so tired, I’ve forgotten everything I was mulling over while working today. That, or maybe I’m too excited, as I’ve discovered that I can blog from a work computer. (Shhh!) Myspace and email sites are blocked, naturally, as is Pitchfork, etc., but as you Googlers know, you can circumvent this restriction by reading the cached web page. For some reason, here, a cached blogging page is blocked but the actual site isn’t. (I doubt I’ll ever have the extra time for this at work, an aberration, surely.)

Okay, now that I’ve re-asserted myself as a huge loser… Oh, the work situation. I realize this is all meaningless as this is yet another “pay the bills”-type job but whatever, it’s still my life for now. Well, we’ve been understaffed for a while, and then my friend’s knee went out. Which means one less all over again. This lack of people affects my ability to take a vacation, even for a weekend. The more I’m in town, and the more I keep in touch with friends, the more I am reminded that there is an enormous world outside this little burg. Also, my roommate, due to whatever reasons, is moving out four months early. (Hold the outrage, my name is the only one on the lease.) So, I’m stuck with $600 of rent, which, if I wanted to pay that much, hell, I could do that in New York and not Texas. Also the hospital is restructuring and re-distributing employees, which would be a big deal, if that were my career. But it’s not.

Now to tie it all up. This restructuring takes place in early September, and my lease ends in September, begging the question, what the hell do I do? Also, a couple of friends of mine want to move to Seattle after they each finish school next year, and I’ll be damned if I stay here alone, without automobile. It’s never a good reason to go anywhere solely because of others, and I certainly learned from moving to New York that it’s a really good idea to have a really good idea of what you’re going to do when you move somewhere, much less NYC. That being said, I can’t stay here. Everyone knows this about me. And if I’m left here next year, I’d rather kill myself. So the point of this, really, is a matter of when to leave, not if. (Unless something really really exciting happens to me here.)

And now for the philosophical angle. Forget my tastes, forget that I am a snob and think Texas is mostly podunk and backwards. (Sorry, I’ve lived here all but eight years of my life, and I’ve been around the world, and there are no other conclusions to draw.) It’s not so much that I’d be in this city, than that I’d be by myself. Case in point, the same thing happened in New York. Nobody I know, save one person, and yet all that city in which to do stuff. As much as the personality of New York is fabulous and much like my own, I was miserable for most of the time there, and I won’t blame that on clock-punching job #10. Part of that is the fact that you really do have to be tough to survive there, because day-to-day life requires so much (unless you have someone to pay the bills). But I had absolutely no one there to share it with, and being known for my problems in meeting people, that’s how it stayed. And I’ve come far enough to know that I can’t do that well, I know my limitations. Early 20s started out needy and dramatic and needing attention, like any young person, then decided I needed to strike out on my own and develop myself, and now I’ve realized, as is always the case, that I need to strike a balance, between being independent for myself and dependent on those I care about. Neither extreme can work alone, every aspect of life is about balance. As opinionated and erratic and conversationally monopolizing as I can be, everything in my life has little worth unless I have a friend (or optimistically, girlfriend) to share it with. I don’t need someone to solve my problems, just a shoulder to lean on or a stomach to lay my head on would suffice, or even just a laugh, smile, or distraction.

Around the time I quit my job in New York, it became quite evident. Yes, I hated my job (the lack of social opportunities there didn’t help), but I had a total of four friends visit, then two a couple months later, and it put into extremely stark contrast how happy I could be (with my friends) and how miserable I was (with my job). Not coincidentally, a week after they left, I quit. I’ve had blah jobs before, and this one isn’t so great, but the socialize, on any level, is so important to relieving stress, or at least reminding yourself you’re not alone. (I don’t know how I would have made it my last days in Seattle without my friend Nicholl.)

ANYWAY, I have no idea what to do. Get an apartment by myself? Defeats the purpose of coming back here, which was to save money and start over. If I want to pay 500-600 I could do that in Seattle but have a better location. And just who would be my roommate? But if I leave, where do I go? And for how long? What do I do for money? Another crap job? Go to school? Or just keep working, but keep writing as well? Oh, and I’d like to something interesting for my 30th birthday, but with all this crap, I can’t even think about it. I’ve never had a surprise party, I wish I got one this time, if only so I don’t have to plan anything. “Surprise! Pack your bags, we’re going on a trip!” Yeah, if only…

My friend Stacy says it’s possible to be happy anywhere, as long as you have good friends around you, which I agree with, and which also validates my decision to move by next year no matter what. That being said, I still need to work out these next four months though.

Honestly, I wasn’t out to seek advice about this, I was just having a long, draining day (there are other, as yet unspecified, matters on my mind that are too specific and personal right now) and was hoping someone could change the subject or cheer me up. As I said, I don’t expect my friends to change my life, just to remind me of its possibilities.

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